The Onion

[hill garbage]

Has anyone here ever read the Onion? It's this fake newspaper with really funny articles and opinion polls. There's alot of other cool stuff too, so check out the website: http://www.theonion.com/content/index

[KungFuJesus]

I used to read the online version a lot. They've had some real good stuff on there. I keep meaning to buy the new books too.

[planetkpop]

It reminds me of National Lampoon magazine back when it was funny.

http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d85/planetkpop/NatLampWellKillThisDog.jpg

[westernestates]

It reminds me of National Lampoon magazine back when it was funny.

http://www.marksverylarge.com/images/7301cover_s.jpg

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: I'm laughing so hard I'm tearing up. That look on that dogs face is classic.

[KidKnowledge]

the onion gets me through the work day.... hysterical.. sometimes the news in brief section is the best...

[Mr. Irrelevant]

The Onion is great, I remember an article about a bear at the zoo, and how it sodomized a zoo keeper. Said zookeeper died and during the autopsy, they found a gallon of the bear's... well you know... his...his...his... sem...ji...uh..."bear juice" inside the dude's stomach cavity. I almost pinched a loaf when I read it.

Hall out

[KidKnowledge]

There was another one where they were doing an autopsy on a guy to find out why he died, and they determined he died from having an autopsy done while he was still alive...

"It seems the large Y-shaped incision on his torso did the most of the fatal damage. It was a long shot to recover from that"

[Mr. Irrelevant]

There was another one where they were doing an autopsy on a guy to find out why he died, and they determined he died from having an autopsy done while he was still alive...

"It seems the large Y-shaped incision on his torso did the most of the fatal damage. It was a long shot to recover from that"

That's Hillarious, they also had a little snippet about "The real Alien Autopsy". They said it was apparently, really a bald chinesse man with a Vitamin D deficiency.

[SeeAndAvoid]

The Onion is brilliant. I'd never seen it living in LA, but when I came to Colorado
and found it in Boulder I thought it was a local thing, and real. But only for a second.
I have a couple of the books, Our Big Dumb Century makes me laugh my ass off.
I thought about making my city political website like the Onion, getting the points
across using satire, but I was afraid I'd get sued daily.

Chris

[planetkpop]

If you can find them, the Onion Radio News spots are pretty good too. Some that stand out:

Chuck Yeager Dies in a Fiery Kitchen Mishap

A Man with a Hammer Induced Thumb Injury Appeals to Christ Almighty

Alzheimer's Victims Demand a Cure for Pancakes

An Adorable Puppy Nets its Owner a Handjob

An Unknown Gunman in a Hardee's Parking Lot is on the Verge of International Fame

:lol:

[KidKnowledge]

If you can find them, the Onion Radio News spots are pretty good too. Some that stand out:

Chuck Yeager Dies in a Fiery Kitchen Mishap

A Man with a Hammer Induced Thumb Injury Appeals to Christ Almighty

Alzheimer's Victims Demand a Cure for Pancakes

An Adorable Puppy Nets its Owner a Handjob

An Unknown Gunman in a Hardee's Parking Lot is on the Verge of International Fame

:lol:

the best radio bit is the one where they are mocking the moon landing.... i abso-fucking-lutely am standing on the surface, of the fucking moon... the moon.. for christs sake... the moon...

[hill garbage]

One of my favorite headlines:

Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament At Remote Island Fortress


http://upload2.postimage.org/30056/DonaldRumsfeld.jpg (http://upload2.postimage.org/entertainment/sweetfeatheryjesus/30056/entertainer.html)

[JacksonWhite]

One of my favorite things to do is go on the Onion and run a search for "Jesus." Some of the hits:

Jesus Demands Creative Control Over Next Movie

NFL Star Thanks Jesus After Double-Homicide

Love For Jesus Inspires Honk

...and many more

[BowlHaircut]

If anyone dowloads podcasts, The Onion now has a free one...I've been listening for the past couple of weeks... great stuff.

[moneymaker]

Members Of Twisted Sister Now Willing To Take It
SEPTEMBER 29, 2008 | ISSUE 44•40

NEW YORK—In a stunning reversal of their long-stated reluctance to take it, members of heavy-metal band Twisted Sister announced Monday that, after 24 years of fervent refusal, they are now willing to take it. "I acknowledge that we promised not to take it anymore, but things change. The world is a different place today, and with that in mind, we would like to go on record as saying that, starting right now, we are going to take it," read a statement released by the band's lead singer, Dee Snider. "To clarify, we would still prefer not to take it, but as of now, taking it is an option that we would be open to. That is all." Bassist Mark "the Animal" Mendoza also stated that, in regards to what he wants to do with his life, he no longer solely wants to rock, but would instead prefer doing other things, such as raising a family and working as a claims adjuster in Rye, NY.

[TheWagesofSin]

I don't care how funny or unfunny that article is...you're an asshole for bumping this shit. And aren't there, like, 3 other Onion threads?

Moneymaker: kiss my ass

[Dr. P]

Flame War!!!!!!!!

[Dr. P]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/tom-hanks-forces-houseguests-to-play-world-war-ii,17296/

[Verno]

Some great Onion headlines:

"God Cites 'Moving In Mysterious Ways' As Motive For Killing Of 3,000 Papua New Guineans"
"Amelia Earhart Missing; Famed Aviatrix 'Probably Just Shopping,' Search Teams Say"
"School Bully Not So Tough Since Being Molested"
"'Iron Man 2' Buzz Heats Up After Rumors Gwenyth Paltrow Gets Punched In Face"
"Closeted Soldiers Getting In Last Clandestine Rendezvous Before 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Repealed"
"Special Olympics T-ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game"

[Dr. P]

"Special Olympics T-ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game"

lmao! http://i41.tinypic.com/330s4uv.gif

[Verno]

Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Exceeds Two Hand Jobs (http://onion.com/bsnsuk)

[Belasco]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/supreme-court-upholds-freedom-of-speech-in-obsceni,17372/


http://rookery9.aviary.com.s3.amazonaws.com/3856500/3856699_73dc_625x625.jpg (http://aviary.com/artists/jeffasu/creations/doodle_5)

[Verno]

Jupiter's Liberals Worried About Their Ammonia Footprint
(http://www.theonion.com/articles/jupiters-liberals-worried-about-their-ammonia-foot,17419/)
GREAT RED SPOT, JUPITER—Alarmed by the growing quantities of harmful nitrides in their planet's atmosphere, Jupiter's liberals are encouraging their fellow sentient ammonia-helium tornado beings to take measures to reduce their ammonia footprint. "There are little things all of us can do to minimize our negative impact on our climate," thought-pulsed a spokesman for the progressive advocacy group Jupiter Action Coalition. "Buy your gleemie at a local farmers market, unplug your zorksnax when you're not using them, and remember the three Rs of environmental conservation: ryzzengak, rokklegorkensplark, and recycle." Jovian conservatives, however, are reportedly decrying the ammonia reduction efforts as a waste of time, pointing to the fact that this past winter was a typical minus 135 degrees Celsius and that Jupiter's so-called "climate change" is just a myth.

[Dr. P]

http://www.theonion.com/video/biden-invites-nations-women-to-tax-code-discussion,18245/

They ALWAYS kill Biden!

[Dr. P]

Since I quit drinking, my buddies send me all the news that booze makes you live longer, etc. This one is the best yet, though! http://www.theonion.com/video/aa-destroying-the-social-lives-of-thousands-of-onc,18349/

[Booze]

Lol... that brings up a good point. AA seems to work pretty good, but it's all completely dependent on members accepting this 'higher power'.

What if you're an alcoholic skeptic atheist?

[Dr. P]

I've never gone to a meeting, just quit drinkin'. Most friends in the program I know certainly aren't religious, but AA almost becomes one. I have one buddy who goes to a meeting every single night. He's sober, but I just don't get that. I don't want to talk about my problems or hear the problems of others, I can't imagine talking about alcohol daily unless it's what kind you're having. To each their own, though.

[Jdiggity Dee]

...speaking of AAA, I'm always glad when they come and restart my car but I'm kinda pissed that (probably former) alcoholics get all the car vehicle "emergency" jobs because naturally boozers and wheels don't mix, but maybe boozers and car emergencies do, so they seem to be relying on a technicality. So each time I fume for a minute and then when my wheels work I forget my gripe.

[Heap]

Wait, P...who have I been hearin' crackin' beers and flickin' lighters on the SFJ podcast if it ain't been you? Or has it just been a recent thing that you've quit drinkin?

[Mr. Irrelevant]

Wait, P...who have I been hearin' crackin' beers and flickin' lighters on the SFJ podcast if it ain't been you? Or has it just been a recent thing that you've quit drinkin?

When he says that he quit drinking, what he really means is that he quit using the spigot on his box of wine. Now he Capri Suns that bitch and jams a straw right into the box.

[Dr. P]

I quit in mid-August. And never have smoked inside (except once playing Mario Cart). I guess the last three podcasts I've been on were sober, except I got high as hell before the Twilight one.

[Belasco]

I guess the last three podcasts I've been on were sober, except I got high as hell before the Twilight one.

The black vampire has that effect on some people.

[Dr. P]

lmao! I kept thinking of fag lines too late after that failed attempt and your "You WOULD" comeback!

[Dr. P]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/tonys-law-would-require-marijuana-users-to-inform,1298/

[Booze]

Neighbors Believed Murderer Only Capable Of Rape

http://www.theonion.com/articles/neighbors-believed-murderer-only-capable-of-rape,1494/

BEDFORD, VA–John Smith's April 25 murder of local teens Amy and Emily Dutler has sent shockwaves through this tight-knit community in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains, its 6,000 residents struggling to comprehend how the man was capable of a crime so severe.

"I've known John Smith since grade school," said Deborah Sykes, 38, Smith's next-door neighbor. "I'd never have suspected for a second that he had it in him to murder two innocent girls. Rape them, sure. But murder? No way."

"When I heard about how John shot those girls in cold blood, all I could think was, 'This can't be,'" said Rodney Wilshire, owner of the grocery store Smith frequented. "I could see John taking them out to the woods, tying them up, and having his way with them–he always seemed like the type–but killing them? That's not the man I thought I knew."

[Dr. P]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/poll-finds-majority-of-male-voters-would-have-elec,18436/

This one needs the accompanying photo when you see the headline. (slightly nsfw, dowyw)

[Heap]

Hell, I'd have written those tits in...

[Dr. P]

I'd love to see a flood of "those titties" handwritten on ballots all over.

[The BYP]

I'd vote for the Republican titty. That's the one on the right.

[Dr. P]

That one on the right's a real nice titty.

[The BYP]

That titty hates abortion and queers.

[The BYP]

The left one's the Senate, the right one's the house. Bush is President.

[Jdiggity Dee]

I miss Bush (and President W as well).

[Booze]

And this titty went wee wee wee, all the way home.

[Dr. P]

Great tags on this thread!

[Dr. P]

This is my favorite onion story in a while: http://www.theonion.com/articles/romney-appeals-to-hispanic-voters-for-return-of-wa,27229/

[Franks n Beans]

Threads like this make me so mad when I click on it, it brings to flipping 1987 when it was created,

[Dr. P]

You didn't like Mitt Romney vs. Mexicans? Beans.

[Boyd]

Beans hates Beaners.

[Franks n Beans]

What the hell was he really saying?

[Dr. P]

His watch got stolen, and he presumes a Mexican took it.

[moneymaker]

His watch got stolen, and he presumes a Mexican took it.

Probably a redneck from NC.

[Franks n Beans]

I still can't believe that someone named hill garbage doesn't post here anymore

[Mr. Irrelevant]

I still can't believe its not butter!

[moneymaker]

I still can't believe its not butter!

We know you use lard.

[Mr. Irrelevant]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSqoyk9FenQ